Perspectives

The self-improvement journey is exciting but also one that is fraught with challenges. There will be amazing highs and likely more than a few lows that may make us question ourselves. This is why the process requires constant review, progress assessments and a steadfast dedication to our ultimate goal – your vision, or as many call it, your “why”.

One of the keys to long-term success is developing momentum, which has two components that need to be managed.

The first is using positive forward momentum to generate more momentum. This is the success rocket-fuel! Celebrate small victories modestly and then refocus to ensure we don’t get complacent.

Hit your target weight? Awesome. Now decide firmly on your next physical task, plan it out and execute.

Got that raise you were pushing for? Fantastic. Plan your next move and start to assess how you can keep adding value to your company.

With this success however, there is the risk that once we hit a goal we sit back, tick that box as done and lose sight of the bigger objectives we’ve set for ourselves. If we do this we allow all of that forward momentum to stop. This is a nice challenge to have to face as it means you’ve had some wins to build from, but can be an impediment to continued success if we let it.

The second part, which is where I want to focus here, is harder. It’s the way we handle failure, a setback, or that curve-ball life inevitably throws at us. Maybe we missed a goal, screwed up a relationship, or simply fell back into old habits.

We need to own our failures and not make excuses. We need to do an honest, no BS assessment of what happened and how we can learn from it so it doesn’t happen again.

What is doesn’t mean however is that we should engage in negative self-talk or put ourselves down. I hear so many people say to themselves “I suck so much at that”, “I’m so lazy – that’s why I failed” or “I’m such a loser and so stupid. I’m not meant to be successful”.

Many feel this is how you own a situation or that this type of “being real” is necessary. That couldn’t be farther from the truth.

It’s making excuses and self-abuse.

This type of toxic negative self-talk obliterates momentum, self-confidence and knocks you so far off the rails that you pretty much need to start over rather than being able to pick up where you left off, pivot, and regain forward momentum.

If you find yourself facing a failure (and be honest, we all do!), review the situation and identify what contributed most profoundly to where you find yourself now and what you’d do differently next time.

Just as importantly, make note of what you did well.

Sometimes even just acknowledging that things are going badly and that it requires you to step back is a win worth noting as it represents strong situational awareness. Determine what type of changes are needed to maximize the potential for future success and get back on that horse.

If you reached out to a trusted mentor and asked for feedback after a set-back, how would you respond if they simply said: “well man, you’re pretty dumb and lazy so don’t be surprised you failed – and better yet, best not even bother to try again”. My guess is you’d likely take a swing at them. So why do we do it to ourselves, over and over again?

Everyone has such amazing potential to succeed. We all have our strengths and yes, we have weaknesses. The tool that enables us to maximize those strengths and minimize the impact the weaknesses can have is our mindset.

Don’t give those negative thoughts the power over you or your success.

If you find yourself engaging in this type of negative self-talk, acknowledge it for what it is and shut it down. If you aren’t sure if what you’re thinking is toxic, ask if you would speak that way to a loved one? If the answer is no, chances are you’re just beating yourself up and not actually contributing to your future success.   Before long you’ll find that failures are simply opportunities to learn and will no longer impact your forward momentum for very long. Once you erase that toxic self-talk from your life, you’ll build confidence and will keep that momentum going. As it starts to pick up speed you’ll be unstoppable, and that’s where the real profound success comes from.

There is something scary about holding yourself out as a personal performance coach. By its very nature, it is implied that you have achieved a level of life mastery most can only dream of. 

While for some this may be true, for most of the more effective coaches I know, this isn’t the case. Many have spent a significant portion of their life learning first hand what not to do and spent the balance of their life making progress towards something that resembles success. 

I am most certainly in the latter category. 

I am an exceptionally flawed individual who has committed his life to obtaining the wisdom and skills necessary to turn this life into a success. 

My talent lies not in having everything figured out, but in taking what I have learned and transmuting it into something others can use and adopt into their lives. That’s it. 

I’m not looking back and showing you the path to take; I’m hacking my way through the brush and saying “this looks pretty good – let’s explore this way”. 

And to me, that’s what personal performance coaching – yes, life coaching – is all about. It’s about guiding and exploring, not advising and instructing. 

The word “coach” is a misunderstood term. Many think of sports coaches; those athletic sages who impart lifetimes of wisdom onto their players and know each and every step one should take in order to maximize the probability of success. In my world, that’s called a consultant. 

Coaching is more like a partnership. It’s not about downloading information, but rather, helping you explore and reveal what already lies within. It’s about helping you tap into a deeper wisdom and to challenge the way you’ve interacted with the world so far in your life. 

While coaching is all about you, this piece is about me. 

I’m pretty convinced that it is precisely because of my flaws and the challenges I have faced that I’m suited to this endeavour. 

I’m not a “rags to riches” story. I’ve never been to rags. I’ve never been rich (financially). I’ve always lived a comfortable middle-class life. Never wanting for anything critical to my survival or happiness. I grew up in a good home with loving parents. I got into one of the best universities in the country and graduated near the top of my class. I secured a sweet job before I even wrote my last set of finals and shortly after starting my career I was promoted, met the woman I was going to marry, started a family and was off to the races. 

But I was miserable. 

My marriage was strong. No complaints there. 

I was making six figures early in my career. No complaints there. 

I had moved to an incredible part of the country and had a view from my home many would kill for. No complaints there. 

But at the end of the day, each evening, I’d lie awake with my mind racing. I’d worry about my job and how unfulfilled I felt. I was in agony because I felt that I was only living up to a small fraction of my potential.  ‘Should’ be dong more.  I worried that if I continued on this path – to be consumed by these thoughts – that I’d surely wreck my marriage, turn out to be a really poor father, and that life would come crumbling down around me. I obsessed over this “future reality” and sure enough, the cracks started to show. I was distracted at home. I was putting on weight. I was having a harder and harder time controlling my temper at work. My skin crawled at the thought that this might be “it”.

Is this all I have to look forward to?

I’d ticked all the boxes. I’d done all that society had expected of me. I was an all-star on paper and a complete dud in real life. 

The funny thing is that, in talking to so many people, this feeling is so common. That sense of being stuck and plateaued is so common it’s almost funny – like its how things should actually be. But it’s not. 

I’d often go on long walks in the forest near my home and just think. Most times I’d just stew. Sometimes, however, I’d have these little moments of clarity. Of light. Something within me would say “You know this isn’t you. You aren’t the spectacular failure you think you are. You just need to listen to me – this voice you often ignore – and quit thinking so damn much”. 

So one night, when I was unable to sleep and I was dwelling on my inevitable collapse again, I googled “how do I shut off my brain” and that was my beginning. It was the glimmer of light I needed. It was the inch I’ve since turned into a mile. 

The specifics of what I’ve learned can’t really be distilled into a single post, so I’m not going to try, but I can tell you that the evolution that I’ve experienced in my life – in my perception of life – has been so freeing. Nothing has really changed. I still have a good job, a great family, live in a great part of the country and count the myriad blessings I have each day. But what has really changed is my outlook on life.

I know my purpose and move closer and closer to living in perfect alignment with it each day.

I still get angry and frustrated but I recognize when the thoughts are taking over. I still struggle to have tough conversations with the people around me, but I recognize it now for what it is and push forward. I still have days where I don’t want to work out or eat healthily, but more often than not I get it done. 

I’m making progress. I’m figuring it out. I’m evolving 

I’ve had many people approach me and ask what my “secret” has been. They ask me how I have it all figured out. I used to shrug it off and think “thank god they don’t know the truth” but now I embrace it. I’m excited to share the journey and absolutely overjoyed at seeing the progress my friends (because that’s what they really are – not clients) have made. I love the texts I get saying thank you or sharing their own wins. I love the look in their eyes when they’ve really changed their perspective on life. 

I’m right in this thing with you. I realize now that how I was feeling was not unique, but rather, one of the most common problems facing humans these days; a sense of helplessness and unmet expectations compounded by the “look how awesome I am” social media culture that everyone else seems to be embracing. 

Success for me is about living on my own terms. It is about money or physical trappings, but being in control of my thoughts, of my emotions, and having the courage to step into my calling and to put myself out there. So here I am, faults and all, looking forward to connecting with you and to help you start to achieve a life you can have, but have perhaps started to lose faith in. 

Is this it? Yes, it is. So we might as well find a way to enjoy it and make the best out of it. 

JL